Internal Nihility

It is early Saturday Morning. I feel empty. A void where a conscience use to reside, nothingness where a heart used to harbor. It is the occurrence of one's soul being removed through the eyes. A moment so often fictional, captured in film by slowing everything around to people. You see the girl you would gladly die for walk past you. Sad, this sounds like an obsession. Devotion must be somewhat...I cannot scribe it correctly. Anyways, I look her straight in the eyes. Why neither of us could say hi, I still do not know. For me, all I could see was her eyes. The entire stadium sincerely vanished.

10 minutes late everything feels cold. Empty. It doesn't make sense. Like that horrible 80's song says, "Owner of a lonely heart, better than a broken heart". Why do I focus on these destructive emotions? This a clear example of heart over mind. I just can't get it out. Can't shake. It just sits there like a tumor. So much to write and rant, and yet who reads this? Line by line? Who are you? Why read my rants of self misery? Why do you care?

Bipolar lesson #1: people with bipolar develop suicidal thoughts when life is at its best.

This is insanity. I can't feel like you. I get accepted to my #1 college, I have two loving parents, great friends, and a future. But I want to die. Or be unconscious. Is there something missing? What is it inside that makes being awake so painful? Is it simply a broken heart magnified to devastating proportions? And if so, who will ever love me without being afraid? I mean, a true relationship were my girlfriend knows who I really am. If you knew me, how could you love me? With all my insecurities and horrible... I can't. Worn out. Hope lost. All from a 17 year old starting his life. How can I keep going on like this? Wishing every day for the easier path.

Bipolar lesson #2: in a twisted, despicable, sick world perspective, you want a terminal illness or a life-ending accident.

Crying to yourself. Sufjan Stevens, sing me to sleep. Who am I? It is cold. What is it that I want? I want to be held. To be held by a girl who knows how wrong my head is and still loves. She accepts my random times of insecurity and thinks I am strong. Please hold me tonight. I just need you to hold me without pitying me. I know this is an unhealthy way to life. But I know no other way.