Crash crash crash. I know I don’t have it bad, but still I feel things could be better if it were different. It’s a transition stage; like being stuck in an airport terminal. You’re still leaving the place where you are. But you haven’t left yet. You aren’t really at your departure city, but you certainly are not at your destination. Just waiting to board; and you don’t go to a terminal to relax. It’s tense, trying to remember if you’ve forgotten anything you need, if you said all your goodbyes, what you are leaving behind.

Too much to do, and not enough time to enjoy my last months of freedom. Freedom from true responsibility, of taking care of myself, paying bills, being on my own, taxes, all the grown up shit you have to do. I’ll never get to have this freedom again, and I’m pissing it away by working too much. I’m am being robbed and not doing anything about it. Just watching my most valuable possessions taking away from me: youth and freedom; the thief called time has its hands in my pockets.

I want to have a responsibility clone that takes care of all my work, all the hassles and duties needing to get done. And then I can just enjoy life. Instead, I have both those roles in my body and the responsibility part of me is time-hogging control freak. Oh well, like I said it’s not that bad. I just bitched, now I need to think of all the good things I get to look forward to.

Playing lacrosse, not the grueling practices, but those moments where I am meditating. It’s just me and the ball, nothing else in my mind. What a feeling. I believe that my 18th birthday will be awesome, and in my opinion that is the best birthday of your life. I get to go to a haunted hotel. Then March 3rd - 7th I get to live a dream: Olympic skeleton. How many people ever get to experience that? I am more excited about that than anything else. And in May I get to see some who mean so much to me for the first time since January.

Dreams put out the fire from internal crash.