Bloody Monday

I took this picture on Saturday and bled on Monday.

Weak rage. I cannot sleep again. I was at Village Inn Friday night after watching the 12th night at my old high school. I had about five friends out of a group of 30 faces I recognize but do not know. I was "happy and enjoying" myself, but then everything felt like it was caving in. I am experiencing the graduation seperating fallout a month before anyone else. As soon as I got to the big crowd, I had a panic attack of some sort. I didn't fit in, and I don't fit in anymore. Below is a letter I wrote to a friend:

Dear Name Witheld,
I feel nothing but shame and embarrassment. I don't feel like I'm even worthy of the title friend. I feel like I've lost all my friends already. I've barely seen anyone this semester, and I am so lonely. I should have told you from the beginning that I couldn't do it. But whether you believe it or not, I tried. I finally got my tutoring service project time moved from Tues and Thurs so I could make every lacrosse game until the 20th. I've talked to my varsity and JV coach. But the last kid who left early got kicked off the team, and he was the first string goalie. Which is why I had to fill in. But that's not the reason, and neither is Mahlee. I'm not in love with her anymore, and Friday was the first time I've had contact with her since January...just to make that clear.

Name Witheld, I wish I was half the friend you are to me. But I am nothing anymore, to anyone. I don't belong here anymore and I should have just told you no. You'll probably think this is a cop-out or just some bullshit, but I am not the same person. I feel like there's no one I can talk to anymore. I don't feel right talking to you anymore because it'd be all one-sided: I'm not supportive nor am I the friend I used to be. The only person I have talked to lately is Kayt, but that was once back in February. I have no one to turn to these past 4 months. I don't talk to my dad anymore. I just want to leave so I can stop letting everyone down. I hate who I have become, and I knew I couldn't do Mizturnmiziscee because if I would have gotten on stage I would have let you down worse than Friday.

You did lie when you said I am dependable. No one can depend on me, not you, not my parents, not my coaches, none of my friends. I'm always coming short, just letting down person after person. I cannot admit I can't do things, I am embarrassed to say "I can't do that". But more often than not I end up having to no matter how hard I try, and it's not fair. Look at the swim video: I knew I couldn't do it. But I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even do a simple slide show I said, "Of course I can". And I fucked that up too.

You have no idea how sick I felt saying no. I'm still sick to my stomach. I let my best friend down, one of the few people who still think I'm anything. I know you don't want me to feel bad, but I'm hating myself for it. This probably will never go away. I'll probably always remember how I broke my last best friend's heart, and never be able to forgive myself. The amount of shame I feel I hope you never know.

I'm sorry I lied again, about making it up to you. "There is nothing you can do to make it up to me." I figured there wasn't, but it was a pathetic chance at redeeming myself. And the graduation speech? Yes. But I can't figure out why you'd want to do it with me. Your sorry excuse for a friend, Me